I Can Listen
Your experience matters even when it is different from mine.
A Sassiverse Book
Boundaries & Fences
You get to decide how much space you need.
Chapter 4
When Someone Doesn't Like My Fence
You found the amount of space that fits.
Then someone else saw the fence.
And they didn't like it.
Uh-oh.
Same Fence. Different View.
A Fence Can Look Different From the Other Side
From your side, the fence may feel like breathing room.
Time to think.
A way to stay connected without disappearing inside the connection.
From someone else's side, the very same fence may feel different.
Unexpected.
Confusing.
Disappointing.
Maybe even hurtful.
Two people can experience the same fence differently.
The Fence Wobble
Their Reaction Might Make You Question Your Fence
Maybe they become disappointed.
Or frustrated.
Maybe they ask why.
Maybe they tell you the fence feels unfair.
Suddenly you may start wondering:
“Did I do something wrong?”
“Am I being difficult?”
“Should I move the fence?”
“If they are upset, does that mean my boundary is bad?”
That wobble is worth noticing.
But you do not have to rebuild the fence while it is wobbling.
Someone else's reaction is information. It does not have to become an immediate instruction.
Before You Move Anything
Check Your Feet
Are they still underneath you?
Can you think?
Can you hear what the other person is saying without losing your own words?
Or did their reaction send you spinning again?
If you are spinning, this may not be fence-building time.
You already know another Sassiverse tool for that.
“I want to hear you. I need a little time before we continue.”
“I can feel myself losing my footing. I'm going to pause.”
“I need my Parachute.”
You do not have to solve the fence while you are free-falling.
When Your Feet Are Back
You Can Be Curious About Their Side
Having a fence does not mean you have to stop listening.
You can wonder:
“What does this fence feel like from your side?”
“What were you hoping would happen?”
“What part of this is hard for you?”
“Is there something you think I may not understand?”
You may learn something.
You may understand their experience differently.
You may discover something you want to repair.
You may discover that your fence still needs to stay exactly where it is.
Curiosity can open a window without removing the fence.
Add a Window
Listening Is Not the Same as Surrendering the Fence
Imagine adding a little window.
You can see each other. You can hear each other. The fence still exists.
I Can Explain
I can share what the fence is doing for me.
I Can Reconsider
New information may give me something worth thinking about.
I Can Still Keep It
Understanding your experience does not automatically change what I need.
More Than One Thing Can Be True
What You Meant and What They Felt May Be Different
Maybe you built the fence because you needed time to think.
You were not trying to hurt anyone.
And the other person may still have felt hurt.
Those two things can exist together.
“I wasn't trying to hurt you.”
“I hear that this hurt.”
“I still need the space I asked for.”
Hearing someone's experience does not require you to pretend your own experience disappeared.
We can make room for impact and intention without forcing either one off the map.
Watch the Story Machine
Be Careful About Writing the Other Person's Story
Someone frowns at your fence.
Your mind may immediately begin writing.
“They think I'm selfish.”
“They're angry with me.”
“They don't care what I need.”
“They're going to leave.”
Maybe.
Maybe not.
What do you actually know?
What did they actually say?
What part did your mind fill in?
Could another explanation also fit?
Leave room on the map for what you do not know yet.
Maybe Something Needs Repair
You Can Repair Something Without Removing the Fence
Maybe your words came out differently than you intended.
Maybe you learned something you did not know before.
Maybe there is something on your side that you want to repair.
You can repair that part.
“I wish I had said that differently.”
“I can understand why those words hurt.”
“That part belongs to me, and I want to repair it.”
“The way I said it wasn't what I wanted. The boundary itself is still something I need.”
Repair does not require abandoning yourself.
And Then There Is This
They May Understand Your Fence and Still Not Like It
You may explain beautifully.
They may understand completely.
And they may still wish the fence were somewhere else.
Understanding does not guarantee agreement.
Caring does not guarantee agreement.
Loving someone does not guarantee that every need will fit neatly together.
Sometimes two people simply have different experiences of the same landscape.
Disagreement does not automatically mean someone has to disappear.
Your Fence Is Still Yours
Listening Doesn't Mean Handing Someone Else the Hammer
Another person can tell you what the fence feels like from their side.
They can ask questions.
They can make requests.
They can share information you did not have before.
You can listen to all of it.
Then you decide what you want to do with what you learned.
The window lets information through. It does not hand over the hammer.
Chapter 4 Trail Marker
The Fence Can Have a Window
You can listen.
You can care.
You can learn.
You can explain.
You can repair something that belongs on your side.
You can change the fence if new information changes what fits.
And you can keep the fence if it still fits.
What can I learn from their side without disappearing from mine?
Windows are useful. The crocodiles can remain in the moat.
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